Understanding and Managing Challenging Behavior in Children

Parenting is a journey filled with rewarding moments and, sometimes, challenging behaviors. Every parent faces situations where their child’s behavior is difficult to manage, but the good news is, with the right strategies, you can reduce these moments and promote positive behavior.

See our parent resource handbook here with activities to help your child build emotional regulation skills with activities that span the growing years of preschool through middle school.

When our children were growing up, my response to their challenging behaviors was to tell them to “Stop it!” or “That’s enough!” I didn’t examine the behavior too closely and try to help them manage it, and I didn’t teach them about emotional regulation either. Additionally, positive or gentle parenting wasn't part of parenting skills at that time.

Even my first years of teaching sounded similar. Two opportunities helped me learn so much more about behavior, not only in children, but in anyone, and how to effectively handle challenging behavior positively.

The first opportunity came when I worked for an organization that provided services for adults with disabilities. I learned so much about not only interpreting the behavior (because many of our clients could not do so) and how to approach the situation objectively.

A training in Culturally Relevant Teaching was the second opportunity where I learned that disruptive/challenging behavior isn’t bad, it just may not be right for the situation. This allowed me to formulate responses to behavior that were more effective and validated the student’s feelings.

In this post, I’ll break down the three parts of any behavior so you can look at it objectively, and share some helpful strategies to avoid challenges while validating the other person’s feelings. Finally, I’ll provide some tips on how to make behavior charts work as a reward system for your family.

The ABC’s of Any Behavior

Every behavior—whether positive or negative—has three basic components: Antecedent, Behavior, and Consequence. Understanding these can help you better respond to your child objectively and guide them toward positive actions.

Antecedent – we all respond to every situation in our life with a behavior. If someone smiles at us, we usually smile back. If we fall and get hurt, we may cry out in pain. If someone criticizes us, we may feel embarrassed or mad and say a negative comment back to them. If we get frustrated working on something, we may either react in anger towards it, or walk away and not finish it.

These are all normal emotional responses to situations. When our child displays a negative or challenging behavior, we need to first look at the antecedent. What happened, or is happening, that is causing them to react negatively. Often we can identify this pretty quickly, but other times we can’t.

Walking down the cereal aisle at the grocery store can prompt a hungry child to whine. The colorful boxes with prizes can have any child begging to have one. Picking out just one box can cause two siblings to fight. But what if your child just sits down on the floor and won’t move? Are they mad, bored, or tired? It takes a little investigating to find out the antecedent, or trigger to the behavior.

Behavior – this is how your child is expressing themselves. Again, it could be positively or excitedly. Or it could be negatively such as throwing a tantrum or refusing to follow directions. Your job at this point is to strictly notice the behavior and respond with empathy such as “I see you are upset.” If you can, quickly try to identify the trigger by asking them or analyzing the situation. This validates their feelings. My old “Stop it!” actually made the situation worse.

Consequence – this is what happens after the behavior. Every behavior has a consequence. Some are positive and some are not. Some are real life – like running out into the street could lead to getting hit by a car, and some are made up – such as a time out, or loss of a privilege. Before we immediately dole out a made up consequence, our job as a parent should be to help them through the situation. Yes, they may be avoiding a situation or seeking attention, but there is obviously an emotion that they are feeling and can’t handle in a way we in society would deem appropriate. 

Helping them understand their behavior and its consequences, along with creating a plan for the future (see below) can help turn those consequences into positive ones.

Understanding this ABC (Antecedent, Behavior, Consequence) approach helps break down the situation, giving you better insight into why certain behaviors occur and how to respond. It also gives you something to work on with your child in regards to their emotional regulation. 

Three Steps to Avoid Challenging Behavior

Challenging behavior can often be avoided with proactive strategies. By setting your child up for success, you can reduce the chances of behavior issues arising. Helping them identify their emotions, express them to you, and realize the consequences builds emotional intelligence and regulation.

Be Proactive – paying attention to patterns, and writing down situations your child struggles with, is a good start to helping them build social emotional skills. Do certain situations like transitions or last minute changes send them into a frazzled state? Do certain people cause them anxiety or anger? The more you can notice and keep track of, the easier it will be to create a plan.

Create a Plan Ahead of Time – this is a simple way to start a non-threatening conversation with your child, so that you can make a plan. Each time a situation arises, or based on your memory, write it down on a slip of paper. Put all the slips of paper in a bowl or basket. Mix them up and have your child pick one. Discuss the situation hypothetically happening. Often times if you refer to a past incident, the child may feel embarrassed, or you may start lecturing on how they handled it wrong.

Creating the Plan:

• Discuss the situation happening

• Together make a list of all possible emotions so they can express themselves in the future

• Make a list together of all the ways they could respond to those emotions.

• Let the child pick the way they want to respond

• Discuss and decide if it is an appropriate response and if not, guide them to the consequences of that choice.

• Continue talking until they can formulate a plan and then write it down.

• Include children driven positive reinforcements, such as a behavior chart.

Remember, all emotions are valid and in some situations, all behaviors are valid. They just may not be valid for that particular time or place. I often coached my students with “That behavior is ok _____, but not in the classroom because _____.” This validated their emotions, while helping them understand the situation.

Obviously, the above steps will need to be modified depending on the age of the child. A two-year old who jumps on the bed, may respond with “It’s fun!” and may not care about the consequence of a time out. Helping them understand they could get hurt, which scares you, is necessary, as is finding a replacement behavior to release their energy. They next time you see them on the bed, instead of saying “Stop it!” you can say “When you jump on the bed, mama is worried you will get hurt. What can you do instead?”

Your plan should also include consequences in case they decide to continue to display a challenging behavior despite the plan. These consequences should be discussed ahead of time so they know what they are. Also, before entering a challenging situation, have a plan. Talk to your child about expectations beforehand. If you’re going to a restaurant, let them know how you expect them to behave and what possible situations could happen.

Find a Keyword or Object to Trigger the Plan – by creating an agreed upon signal, or object, to remind your child of the plan when their behavior starts to veer off track. The minute their emotions kick in, they are not likely to listen to a long explanation about remembering the plan, what they should do and why. Instead, a quick word that helps take their mind off the situation, like their favorite toy or food, is more effective at reminding them what is expected.

If you know a particular situation may come up, having a small item they can carry with them, that has a key word on it of what they should do, can also help. The physical action of examining the object will help divert their mind, give them something positive to do, and remind them of the next step.

This strategy works well with anxiety as well. Once the mind starts down the road of anxiety, it needs to refocus on something else to change its course. A small puzzle to solve, a book to read, a toy to fidget with, can help with this. With these strategies, you’re giving your child the tools to manage their emotions and behavior while also reducing the likelihood of outbursts.